Happiness! Suicide! Razors! Fears

I’ve tried all these things.

Sex! Friends! Smiles! God! Tears!

Some still stick; some don’t hang.

Either way it goes there’s a space.

A big empty one I can’t seem to fill.

It’s there and very hard to face.

I’ve tried everything to try to heal.

People ask, “What came first: God or Suicide?

I tell them about all of the pills.

I tell them how God let me survive.

And then tell them sometimes suicide doesn’t kill.

After suicide came the razors…the cuts.

A slice here… blood there…scars clear

Shame, pain, no family support, cut, cut

It continued…razors were chose to hide fears.

Happiness? What’s that? I don’t know!

Sometimes it’s here sometimes it’s not

ZOLOFT makes the happiness flow

Past memories remind me of the pains I’ve got.

Sex…ain’t that something grown-ups do?

I wasn’t grown when I gave it a try.

For 2 weeks I cried, thought I was pregnant too

“Sex is good!” Oh no it’s not. That’s just a lie.

Friends…who are they? What can they give?

My friends stuck by my side.

They gave me love: a reason to live.

They don’t completely fill the space, but without them I would have died.

“I waited patiently for the Lord and he heard my cry.”

I use to think, “God doesn’t Care!”

I thought Psalms 40 was just a lie.

Now I know God is always there.