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Sometimes you sit and wonder... where did it all go wrong?
When did you make that first mistake?
When did the regrets come in?
When did the past take over?
When did you give up on love?
When did you lose hope and faith?
Where did all the trust go?
Why do you no longer believe?
When does it all go away?
Why can't you pull yourself out?
Are you too far gone?
Will it ever be the same?
Why shove the emotions?
Can't that only lead to bad?
Why won't you just pray?
Where is your trust in Him?
Is you life forever ruin?

You sit in silence...loud silence...
hoping for an answer....
but the answer never comes...

Mixed Fulfillment

I was listening to a song and I got the urge to write a poem. So I did.

Overly depressed, drinking to numb away the everlasting numbness caused by shoved emotions.
Hiding secrets, showing that award winning smile, putting on a false laugh to have fun with people unknown
Drinking away the night, dancing away the stress, not thinking of the danger and all of the consequences of sin
Too drunk to go back home, came here on feet, meet a new guy he says I will take you home

Too drunk to realized the danger that could come, no consent too fast, world going around in a blur
Force, Hurt, laughter, Pain, mixed fulfillment,double shot tequila in the blood line causing you not to think
Please wait, stop rewind, I need to breathe, being pulled down by the guilt and confusion of an easy cure
What started out in a false laughter ended in a new secret that people won't know because you had too much to drink

Wake up the next morning in a strange new bed, pain, wonder what happened confusion, crying, wishing, hoping
Wobble around the new room, looking for a familiar face, who are you, what's your name, when did we come here
Please take me home, where I can keep my secret to myself, not tell a soul, this guilt a song my heart won't sing
Scared of what friends will say if they knew, who to tell, just keep it to yourself, its a new found fear
I found this song online. I use to love Tupac when I was little but I never really read the lyrics. I read them...

[Verse One:]

Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, and don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lo
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up

"Baby Don't Cry (Keep Ya Head Up II)"

I feel you {uhh} .. (baby don't)
but you can't, you can't give up
{Hey.. 2Pac what?}

[2Pac + H.E.A.T.]
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up {Outlawz}
Even when the road is hard, never give up
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {Keep ya head up}

Now here's a story bout a woman with dreams
So picture perfect at thirteen, an ebony queen
Beneath the surface it was more than just a crooked smile
Nobody knew about her secret so it took a while
I could see a tear fall slow down her black cheek
Sheddin quiet tears in the back seat; so when she asked me,
"What would you do if it was you?"

Couldn't answer such a horrible pain to live through
I tried to trade places in the tragedy
I couldn't picture three crazed ni**az grabbin me
For just a moment I was trapped in the pain, Lord come and take me
Four ni**az violated, they chased and they raped me
Even though it wasn't me, I could feel the grief
Thinkin with your brains blown that would make the pain go
No! You got to find a way to survive
cause they win when your soul dies

[2Pac + H.E.A.T.]
Baby please don't cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up
Baby don't cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {never give up}
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up {never give up}
Even when the road is hard, never give up
Baby don't cry

[Edi Amin]
Forget him girl (forget him girl) he ain't gon' never change
ain't no hater but that ni**a lost in the game
After the bright lights and big thangs
he probably could loev you, but he in love with the struggle
Everyday, his mind on gettin mo' (gettin mo')
and never your feelings, he's chasin millions fo' sho'
Uh oh (uh oh), now you bout to have his baby? (dayamn)
Another wild-a*s ni**a that's gon' drive you crazy
You got too much, mo', livin to do - I'm spittin this to you,
cause you deserve more than what he givin to you (that's right)
Beautiful, black, precious, and complicated
A new millennium dime piece, so fine she
got em all stuck standin still when she come through
Baby take a little mo' time, love'll find you
And show us the sky's blue somebody other than me
gon' give you everything you need, feel me?
{Don't cry-ahhhhh..}

[2Pac + H.E.A.T.]
Baby don't cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {you'll be alright}
Baby don't cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {you'll be alright}
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {keep your head up}
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up {never give up}
Even when the road is hard, never give up {no no.. ohhhh}
Baby don't cry

[Young Noble]
I'm tryin to do all that I can, from jump
Now you losin, you was choosin the wrong man
Dealt the wrong hand, you was young and beautiful
Lost and turned out, what you let that ni**a do to you? (Damn)
I knew her since elementary, she blew a kiss to me
Wrote me a note in crayon, wantin to get with me
We was kids, now she got three kids
They see their father e'ryday, and they don't know who he is
Seen him last night, homey roll a E-cla*s
Mad cheese in the stash, still a deadbeat dad
I bring her, Pampers and food, just to stop through
but those, ain't my seeds, nuttin really I could do (nah)
I feel pity for you, you ain't even his wife
Seventeen with three kids, locked down for life
Shoulda chose me, she bout to O.D. from the pressure
Hell nah I won't let her {BABY DON'T CRY}

[2Pac + H.E.A.T.]
Baby don't cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {you'll be alright}
Baby don't cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {baby don't cry}
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {baby baby baby}
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up {no..}
Even when the road is hard, never give up {no-ohhhh}
Baby don't cry, I gotta keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up
Baby don't cry, you got to keep your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up {ooooh baby}
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up {keep your head up}
{keep your head up, never give up}
Even when the road is hard, never give up, baby don't cry

[Young Noble]
Uhh, uhh, yeah, don't give up {you'll be alright}
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry

[2Pac + H.E.A.T.]
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up
Baby don't cry, I hope you got your head up
Even when the road is hard, never give up, baby don't cry

[Edi Amin]
For all the ladies {Soulshock, Karlin}
Baby don't cry
Got to keep your head up {keep your head up}
Makaveli the Don {head up} aight?

Writer's Block: Let Down

Describe a moment when you were let down.

There are too many to name...lately I have been letting my self down...a disappointment...


I won karaoke tonight!! Fuck Yeah!!! I enjoyed myself too! First time in awhile. <big><b>Enjoyment no guilt! No fucking fear!!!</b></big>

If things are going to be bad might as well ennjoy myselff At the ACC!!!! Hell to da Yeah!!!!

Love ya!

Thanks if you voted for me!!! FUck YEah!!! and if you weren't there <b>Damn!</b> you missed out!!!




Over the bridge across the dam

Unidentified emotions coming from the very person whom I want to give my heart's key.

Trust,honesty, and communication are the key, yet lately I don't think it there for you and me.

At first there was excitement for fresh new pure love, honest love, slow love that's real love.

However now we are like the new grown branch not found by God's pure turtle dove.

All these signals from you to me...I don't know! I'm all confused! Where to Go!
Should I keep dreaming, hoping, no doubts...Answers I don't know.

Dream as the faithful do! Don't give up for love is near.

Yet real love like my unseen sanity so far only causing tears

I seem to have lost the battle somewhere trying to find out who I am.

Hoping I will soon find love over that bridge across the dam

An Emotion shover...Once again

Well I wasn't going to write this note because I am in one of those "I don't care anymore moods, leave me the Hell along"...but oh well, here are my thoughts of the early morning..Once again.

I am an emotion shover...no matter how much I try to get over this, no matter how much medicine the doctor puts me on for bipolar, no matter how much I get judge for being one...I am one....You are probably wondering "WHAT THE HELL IS AN EMOTION SHOVER...Well basically I try to hide my emotions, be it calmness after the storm or pissed off naps. Then eventually I explode and something bad happens. I know I shouldn't shove and try to hide my emotions because they will come out but you know what I DO THE SHIT ANYWAYS! I am so sick, fucking sick of trying to stay away from doing this and yet falling right back into it. I feel like a weak person and you know what. Who the hell wants to be seen as weak and immature and childish? If you know me, you know not ME! I hate being seem as those things and yet lately I seem to be seen as that a lot and I don't like it. I am sick of it. I wish people would realize that I try so hard and yet I fail but they only see when I fail and it causes complications and problems in the friendship or relationship that I am. I am so confused and I just don't know anymore. I don't know about so many things. I am not sure about my major...what happens to be math...my extra activities...like drama....my beliefs...which sounds horrible I know...I feel as if... ONCE AGAIN....I am drifting away from God and the people who love me most and I don't want that to happen...We all know where that got me last time! I can't have that, but slowly but surely I am drifting into an I DON"T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE stage and it is bad...( and so is my language sorry). I just don't know how to deal and if it makes me seem childish because I am weak so be it. I am an emotion shover...sorry to disappoint you...I try but I fail...

“When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.”
~Mark Twain

Unexpected Fun on Valentines Day

So, today when I woke Up I was thinking Dang it its Valentine's day and I don't need another day to scream at me that I am single for the Second Valentine in a row and I hate that. so I didn't want to think about love and roses and stuff because I wasn't getting that even though I am kinda talking to a guy name Tim. So I got up and got dressed trying to be in the spirit so that I wouldn't someones else day I put on a red and pink shirt and grabbed my heart covered pursed and went all rosy...and about 10 minutes late...to English class. Later at lunch watching all of the couples love on each other i was again reminded of the bitterness of being single. I then called Tim and me amber and morika wished him a happy Valentine's day over his voice mail.

Then I went to the room pouted to Amber how much valentine's suck and then went to sleep. I woke up at about 1:40 to a phone call from Tim returning my call made to him earlier and I automatically felt better and then I went back to sleep woke up 10 minutes late to work and went to work. When I got there we were setting up for the kids party and it was exciting to see the little smiles on there face as they smeared red icing all over there faces and smiled at us with red, white, or pink icing mustaches and beards. IT was funny to watch little Kaley sneak bites out of the fruit dish and then stick the bitten fruit back into the fruit dish. After the party we played outside and then I left with a smile on my face and a new appreciation of valentines day. You don't need a boyfriend/girlfriend little kids can show you love to and friends and stuff.

Now back in my room again I was getting ready for a blind date social and dreading it because My date didn't contact me. I later found out I would have to go SINGLE. so once again i was hating valentines day and depressed. Then when I got to the parking lot I found out that Richie didn't have a date either so me and him became a date for the social. On the way there we listen to cake and it was awesome. we got there the boys fixed our plates: spaghetti and salad bread and sweet tea. Matt gave us roses and then we played partner olympics and it was hilarious. never have I had so much fun with an egg toss and smashing egg between my fingers. running with my leg tied to some guy and racing other couples wheelbarrowing there partner across the room. IT was amazing and to top it all off we played GOTCHA and then I played basketball with a mix of soccer players, baseball players, AKLs, ATOs,Alpha Gams, independence and others and it was great. There were about 3 or 4 sports going on. There was football, soccer, basketball, and hula hooping sometimes people were doing multiple sports. It was AMAZING. Richie is the best friend date ever. I am glad he's my friend. I made new friends tonight and got to know others better and it was just great.j

I came back to the dorm all smiles and then I called Tim and we talked and I love talking to him because he awesome and then I talked with amber and laughed with my twin, Morika and it was just a great night and I finally wrote my speech paper that I had been procrastinating to do with joy.

So I had a very mixed emotion day but in the end it turned out to be a good valentines day.

So, after getting back from the bar tonight...(alcohol free for those of you who must know..i only did karaoke)...I sat in my dorm and drink a diet pepsi (gross) and thought about a cluster of things. Yes I said cluster because my brain doesn't work in single thoughts it thinks in cluster...anyways. I wonder about why people are the way they are. Like WHY ARE THERE ENEMIES AND HATERS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SEE YOU FALL? and WHY ARE THERE MEN ...OR SHOULD I SAY LITTLE BOYS BECAUSE THEY AREN'T WORTH THE WORD MEN...WHO LOOK AT WOMEN AND WONDER HOW QUICKLY THEY CAN GET SEX FROM THEM? WHY ARE THERE FRIENDS WHO DON'T TRUST AND FRIENDS WHO AREN'T TRUTHFUL? WHY ARE THERE MOOD DISORDERS LIKE: BIPOLAR DISORDER AND DEPRESSION THAT EVENTUALLY CAUSE PEOPLE TO TAKE THERE OWN LIVES...OR ATTEMPT TO? WHY? WHY I COULD GO AND BE AT A LOST ALL NIGHT ABOUT MY WHY QUESTIONS....and yet I don't want to because it depresses me that some people are going to be assholes no matter how much you try. You are always going to have people who hat you for who you are and because you can't meet there standards. There are always going to be haters those people who can't stand that you look and act better than they do. There are always going to be those guys who only want you body and they lead you on untruthfully to fulfill there pleasures and there lust. There are always going to be trust issues between friends and even a few white lies. There are always going to be people like ME who have Bipolar disorder and struggle with it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and will never get better even on meds. There are always going to be struggles and its depressing. This world will never get better. We are living a pipe dream trying. There will always be status issues and judgment of other and all the other SHIT I named and all the SHIT I didn't name. Yes I am on a rant because I am disappointed in the world right now. I want a happiness that I can't achieve no matter how much I try and I am disappointed. I am disappointed in the world and myself for following the word at times. You know FOLLOWING THE WORLD can completely ruin your life. I have been there HELL I am there. I feel like I can never be trusted. People will not be able to see the good because of the bad from the past. I try and try to please people even though I shouldn't, but I do but FUCK IT. I am sick of trying got please people. There are always going to be people who just me..especially at this school and until I graduate I can either be unhappy and please YOU or I can live my life and say FUCK YOU and your judgments! I will never make you happy so continue to stare at my mistakes when I come out on TOP you will still be down below in your ignorance wondering where your life went wrong.

I use to have dreams

I use to have big dreams, the ones that little girls have of doctors, lawyers, teachers, and performers.
I wanted a big job I wanted to be rich
I loved my life and my family, I was smart, i was a fast learner
I loved school i loved home I didn't think my life would have a glitch

Little girls should have b ig dreams and be happy like I was
I never though that a bad thing was coming and life would treat me unfairly
I never knew that guys were mean and older men had such lust
Then at the young age of eight, My cousin decided to take away my dreams and ruin me

Sexual Abuse is rough for a women, but for an eight year old it's nightmarish
My dreams were slowly dissolving into one big fantasy
I wanted my old life back that was my only wish
my life as I knew it would never be the same, I would never know the relief of very sweet peace

I use to have dreams but as I got older life showed me a different route
It showed me the cruel intentions of people and what words can do to a person
It showed me the evil that people who say they are your friend can bring about
Mama taught me a lot about she never prepared me for the hurt life done

I use to have dreams, but then life got rough and I got lost
I am a Christian I believe in God, but in my late teens I lost my way
At age fifteen, I decided to kill myself not thinking of the cost
I didnt't depend on God. I didn't have faith. I slowly seemed to sank day by day

I use to have dreams, I was going to be a dentist, but science isn't for everyone
Life was rough at home and interfered with school.
I couldn't concentrate at the subject that hurt worse. I couldn't get my work done
Things just weren't right. I had no control. I was starting to think that evil ruled.

I use to have dreams and music was it. a choir teacher was what i would be
I tried hard to get through class even with bipolar disorder ruling my life
I tried to get over my stage anxiety, but it took over me
Then I got suspended from college left in a world of distress pain suffering and strife

I use to have dreams, real big dreams then I lost control and my dreams went in a daze
I tried to get control by cutting, but that got control of me
Suicide came knocking and I let it in my protective place
i use to have dreams, big ones then i lost them and I don't know what will become of me.